Hiraeth (pronounced [hiraɪ̯θ])

    AUTHOR: kerk_hiraeth

    'VERSE: Buffy S7 & Angel S5 Crossover (sort of)

    CHARACTERS: Xander Harris, Dawn Summers, Cordelia Chase, Angel,

    LENGTH: tbc;

    A/N: This was the eleventh fic written as part of my 2013 fic challenge to myself; posted on the 15^th of January it was an attempt to resolve a plot anomaly that I perceived in the story of Cordelia Chase's relationship with Xander Harris.

            It was also written as a birthday present for angelus2hot, who is still posting to ao3, but hasn't posted to dreamwidth for quite some time. 

           WARNING: Decided I needed to pop a warning here; since I don't know the laws there is an implication that Dawn might be drinking underage. Just to be clear, she isn't. The implication is that she has in the past, not that she is doing it now. 

     “There's a letter from Angel, “Dawn, between bites of her buttered toast, informed Xander as he sar beside her; looking a little surprised her took the envelope she held out.

   “There's me thinking he'd got the hang of texting, “ he muttered sourly.

   She sighed; those two would never be friends, no matter how many times they had fought 'soul sucking demons' side by side.

   “Where's Buff? “

   “Change of plans, “ she informed him as he reached for a letter opener. “Kenn got a call from home, so Buffy took her ticket so she and Willow are going to the show together. “

   When he didn't have a joke to make about them going to a lesbian strip show together she took her eyes from what she was watching, on silent, and saw the shocked expression on his face.

   “What's wrong?

      … She closed the laptop.

         Xander? What is it? “

   When he stayed frozen, she took the letter from his fingers.

   Shakily he told her, “It's from... about Cordy. “

   “Cordelia Chase? Why... but she... “

   She read the part of the letter, which was written on two different types of paper, from Angel she was almost rendered speechless herself.

   Angel had written that they had found a letter that Cordelia had written a long time ago, but had tried to finish during the brief time she had before she ascended.

   “You okay? “ She touched his hand; resisting the temptation to touch his cheek with her crumb covered fingers.

   His face was shocked and drawn.

   When he finally managed to shake his head she began to stand up, telling him, “I'll get you a whisky; figured out the combination ages ago, “ secretly pleased that Xander was with it enough to both scowl and query. “Don't tell Buffy. “

   He saw her wink before she left the room, then shakily picking up Cordy's letter to start reading it again.

   Hi Xander,

                     I'm really sorry I've not written a letter before. It didn't seem so important, but I regret not keeping in touch now. I guess you've heard by now I've got some kind of baby demon inside of me now.

   Must be weird to hear me saying that I could refuse a chance at fame and fortune so I could fight the fight like some kind of... Buffy

    {can't remember how to write one of those smile face things so you'll have to imagine it}

   Even weirder that I did it to save Angel. I know you'll not be happy about that, but he really is in the same fight you and Buffy are; though he seems not to see that too well sometimes.

   Anyway this demon thing is causing me problems I don't want to tell the others about

    if you tell on me remember I've got a few secrets I can tell Buffy and Willow about you so SHUSH!

   M'kay?

   He smiled at that; hiding it before Dawn came back and handed him a tumbler with a healthy level of, neat, whisky. She put a finger to her lips as he accepted it; reminder that she had a secret too now.

   She went over to the hotplate and made him up a plate of bacon, mushrooms and eggs; placing it in front of him as she went to make them some coffee; keeping an unsubtle eye on him as he went back to reading the letter; uncertain she'd get an answer if she knew she could ask.

   Her eyes said his no jokes demeanour was worrying her, but he couldn't find the will to hide right now.

    I wanted to say something just in case.

   I loved you.

   I never said it, but I did. Guess I still do in some ways, because all this … I've been through so much but I had a lot … I realised my feelings for Doyle came from me seeing you in him.

   I laughed out loud once imagining you joking about me joining your demon gf club.

   I   I cried about it too.

   He was like an older version of you. I think that's why I was falling in love with him.

   I have a type apparently and you are it.

   Bet you never thought a girl would say that to you, huh?

   How did I end up never sleeping with either of the men I actually loved?

     Good going, Chase!

   Not that we didn't do st

   I regret that now, especially after I heard about Faith.

   If it means anything It's because I loved you and was dumb enough to think I had time.

   Not that you didn't screw us up, you rat bastard but it's too late for any of that now.

   I know we both wanted to and what makes it hurt now is that you never tried to force anything even knowing I was hardly a virgin.

   I'm sad now we never made love; that I never got to make love with someone who actually loved me.

   Guess I wasn't as mature as I thought I was.

   Or you as it turns out.

   I just wanted you to know that if the

    Then she made a note to rewrite most of that; saying something about a special man; then there was something about a special person; several attempts to write about being a better person because of them.

   Then she'd scribbled something about forgiving him, or not forgiving him; he couldn't make most of it out.

   Finally there was a line asking herself if she could ever send this.

   Xander stopped and ate the food Dawn had given him as she drank her coffee and watched him eat, for once not making him self-concious.

   She made to pick the letter up; the second note of Angel's, clearly asking with her eyes if it was okay. He gave her a ... well he hoped it was melancholic, smile to let her know to go ahead.

   After a quick read she started to read it aloud.

   “I wasn't sure whether to send this but Gunn said you had the right to see it, and the others agreed so I decided to send it despite my reservations.

   We believe she tried to write it several times but never found the time to finish it, or get it right.

   It doesn't seem to matter much now.

   I think she was trying to find a way of saying how special you were to all of us who knew you, whether we liked each other or not.

   I miss her blunt honesty more and more with each day I head along the path she set me back on; wherever it leads I have her to thank.

   So I wanted to say one thing before I finish.

     Fan sábháilte a chara, tar anall agus bíodh bábhla anraith agat ag mo theallach; lig dúinn beoir agus deoch a roinnt dár gcuimhni cinn uirthi.

    Yours, my friend. 

    Liam aka Angel

   Dawn handed it to him when he finished eating and he folded it; picked up the whisky and walked to the back door and went out into the garden.

   She left him alone as she cleared everything away; leaving the clean up to the Potentiak on kitchen wash up duty in the morning.

   When she looked through the open door she saw the shudder in his slumped shoulders she made a sudden decision.

   Coming back a few minutes later she heard the potentials she'd called back from patrol coming in through the front door and joined Xander; handing him a jacket after taking the barely touched whisky from his hand.

   “Feel like some comfort food? Let's go get pizza from that place you wanted to take Cordelia.”

   He just nodded as she tucked her arm in his and pulled him after her.

    Goddess watch over you, 


     “ What we once enjoyed

        and deeply loved we

         can never lose, for all

          that we love deeply

           becomes part of us. “

 

      ~ Helen Keller

    kerk